This morning I woke up with an image of my young self: happy, fun, finding it difficult to stand and sit still because I just wanted to get on with playing and having fun (that’s me in the picture above). I felt an unwavering confidence and joy of just being me; an unwavering joy that just made me feel physically and emotionally light. I woke up feeling like that young child dancing free, living in the moment without a care in the world except to express myself through my authentic free spirit.
It was such a great feeling! It got me out of bed so quickly at 230am and at my computer typing away and realigning the things I had been putting off for a while. It got me thinking about all the excuses I had been making for not completing tasks – more because I felt that I could not complete them as I was not good enough. Not good enough was because I forgot that we are all differently talented human beings; that comparing myself to another person would only lead me down the path of self-doubt, procrastination, over thinking, over analyzing, measuring myself using other people’s rulers and mirrors. I promise you I got out of my bed so quickly because I was disappointing that young me. I was disappointing myself.
I have stretched myself so much this past month, jumping into life headlong, exposing myself to uncomfortable situations, saying yes to opportunities that I know are allowing me to stay true to my life vision, and letting go of those that have not been serving me. I stretched beyond what I thought were not my capabilities; I struggled through most of those situations, having sleepless nights through self-doubt, having sleepless nights because I felt I was not fully committing to the other work that I really wanted to let go because I knew it wasn’t serving me – but feeling bad because I felt I was letting other people down.
I however, physically pulled through, as I reengaged so I could complete tasks that I meant to have completed. My only challenge was that my mind did not pull through. On the outside I looked calm, put together and okay. On the inside I was breaking, bit by bit. My old record of self-judgment, worry, fear of the unknown or fear of what I thought and still think might happen was replaying over and over. I had invited all the voices of all those naysayers to tell me I was not enough, that I had messed up, that I was in trouble, that I was not living up to my word and because of that I could not pull through. I let other people’s opinion of me – all made up in my head out of fear – contribute to my lack of sleep, a knock in my confidence and down the spiral staircase of emotional eating. I let those voices rule my emotional intelligence, further knocking me off balance to the point where I just wanted to curl up into a fetus position and shut out the world. But those voices are still in my head – pointing and jeering, so staying in a fetal position does not mean that my inside word also goes away. I, only I had opened the gates for them and so they were here to stay; I only I, had replayed the old record that I had thrown away; I only I, had gone to the garbage to look for that old record of self-doubt. I, only I – no one else. I teared up – because I only I, had metaphorically walked to the rubbish bin, rummaged through it and taken out that old, ugly broken-down record of negativity and placed it back to play in my head.
When I woke up this morning, I saw that little child in me; looking up, wondering what she had done to deserve such a miserable way of living. Imagine your young child, looking up innocently and not understanding why you would choose to lead a sad life. That got to me. I had bit by bit, beat that child down to a pulp: shutting her sweet little innocent voice, her intelligence, willingness to learn, to live authentically and be happy. I, only I – had done that.
That thought made me realise that in the same vein that I had given my power over to others, I only I, had the opportunity to reverse it. That realisation got me out of bed so quickly! The physical, man-made timing of 230am was nothing; the actual time of the life I have on this planet – is more important. I am ready to press re-start, ready to move forward in leaps and bounds, ready to let my voice be heard and to express myself openly and proudly; ready to keep stretching myself and open to learning, growing and feeding the hunger in me to reach out to as many people as I can in this beautiful world of ours. Only then can I truly say I have lived.
I will not let myself or anyone trample on that young me again. I will guard the temple of my mind with iron bars of knowledge, with iron bars of feeding my mind with information that makes it stronger so that anyone’s opinion of me will not matter as long as I am staying true to who I am and my talents and or if they are helping me stay on that course. That old record? Burnt beyond recognition. Me? Moving forward.
Your turn
- What would your young self say to you right now about the way you are living your life?
- What old records are you playing in your head?
- Are they even your own records or records put there by other people?
- How do you describe yourself as a person?
- Are you living your potential?
- Are you embracing your talent?
- Do you know what that talent is?
- When are you going to press restart?
- Why not now? What do you have to lose? Unless if you know when you’re going to die – then at least you know that you may have time – or not – to do the things you have been wanting to do?
- Surely the right time to start living is today, right now, because now, this very moment, is the only proof and surety that you know of – that you are alive.
Happy stretching!
Barbara
